Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i think i have two assholes
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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