Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
