My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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