I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
