end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
