He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Randomize
