Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
