Plan B is the new Plan A
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
