so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
this just has baby written all over it
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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