I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize