Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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