Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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