last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
The uberlube is also flammable
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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