I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
