I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
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