Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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