How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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