I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
