how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
