Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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