Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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