happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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