my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
