I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
