i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
