i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize