life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Dicks are not precious.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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