Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
