So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
