my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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