Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I fill condoms, not promises.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Randomize
