just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
