....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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