i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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