The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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