if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
