I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
