Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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