I'm eating all of the evidence.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
