But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
