It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
he high fived his dick after we had sex
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize