my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
