you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
