Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
