I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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