Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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