it was like his penis was on wheels.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
