At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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