I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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