So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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