I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
