At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
