i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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