went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
