she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I AM VODKA MAN
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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