My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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