He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
