I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
