I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
