if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize