He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
